Girls and shoes

Yvette decided to dress up a bit today, and wear a pair of high heel boots. grrrrrrr........ very sexy. However, as soon as she had put them on, she complained that they felt very uncomfortable. She thought that maybe her feet had grown fat! Is that even possible?? And then her answer, a very typical girl answer at that: I have to buy her another pair of shoes. Why is it that whenever women have a problem with something, instead of fixing it they just decide to buy a new one??!!

Anyway, a couple of minutes later she realised that she had put each boot on the wrong foot!! She'd been walking around with her feet all squashed up and uncomfortable thinking that her feet had grown fat! haha Unfortunately, she still insists she needs new shoes!

Life's tough as a prostitute in China!

Thanks to Aunty M for the pic :o)

Luck of the Irish

I can see it now - me as a grandfather, and my little grandson asking me what life was like before Google. I'll explain to him how Google changed everything. Made it so that anyone could find whatever information they wanted, at the click of a button. For example, Google tells me that the chances of people being born with a congenital (genetic, but not inherited) mitral valve defect are very low. Furthermore, Google tells me that the chances of being born with a congenital mitral valve defect that manifests itself at 29 instead of 60 is almost astronomical. So depending on how you look at it, I am either a very lucky or very unlucky man! So the alarm bell in my head tells me - buy lottery tickets!! Tonight is lotto night, so I've bought a couple of tickets - surely with my luck I should win millions.....

Scanvalve

I met my heart surgeon for the first time this morning, he is a softly spoken Indian gentleman with a wonderful manner. He has quite a calming presence, and I am very glad that he will be the person performing my heart surgery.

He describes the heart surgery in detail and it’s pretty much as I expected. He’s going to crack my ribs so that he can open up my chest, tie off my lungs and heart arteries and veins, connect me to the heart lung bypass machine, stop my heart, cut a couple of holes into my heart so that he can get in and look at my mitral valve, and then decide what to do. He won’t know what sort of procedure he will perform on my heart until he can look at it anatomically, but once he does he will do one of two things to fix the mitral valve, which currently doesn’t close properly:

1) if it is only one leaflet of the mitral valve damaged (there are six leaflets that close together to form the mitral valve), he will cut off the faulty bit, put a ring around the valve to make it smaller so that the leaflets overlap and closes properly, start my heart to make sure it works ok, if it doesn’t work stop it again and fix it, when it’s all working ok stitch me up and send me home within a week. No long term medications, and the repair should last forever. This is the preferred option.

2) If more than one leaflet is damaged, he will perform a complete replacement of the mitral valve with a metal valve. The metal valve is coated with Teflon so that it’s a non-stick surface, sort of like the surface of a Scanpan frying pan. Funnily enough, my Scanpan is one of my favourite possessions in the world – but having a Scanpan heart is kinda taking my devotion a bit far!! This procedure will involve me having to take warfarin (an anti-clotting medication) for the rest of my life which will be a bit annoying, but I’m more concerned about the more practical implications of the Scanvalve – I’ll set off metal detectors in airports around the world, which is a problem for a jetsetter such as myself!

The alternative to the Scanvalve is a pigvalve (a mitral valve from a pig), but funnily enough they don’t last as long as a metal valve, so given my age and life expectancy the Scanvalve is the only option. The way this is going, I’m soon going to be Bionic-Rog!!

World’s youngest…….

*said in jest* World’s youngest State Young Achiever of the Year. World’s youngest Young Australian of the Year (well finalist anyway). World’s youngest top class medical researcher. World’s youngest all round good guy. And now to add to the list of accolades, World’s youngest patient for major heart bypass surgery. I’m not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but the cardiologist and surgeon are both very surprised that I require this type of surgery at my age – they usually get patients in their 50s, 60s etc. In fact, the cardiologist has never seen a patient my age before!! I wonder if this makes my story attractive as a Hollywood movie? I'd like George Clooney to play me, but he's a bit old. I think Clive Owen could play me well too, but same problem! Most of all I'd love Johnny Depp to be me in my Hollywood story (he is such an awesome actor), but yet again age is a problem. It leaves me with guys like Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Leonardo (Oh hell no!!), Josh Hartnett and the like...... *shudder* not nice! Something for me to dwell on while i'm in hospital.

Apprehension

Tomorrow morning is the all important meeting with the surgeon who is going to fix my heart - Mr Dixit. I'm really looking forward to talking to him, and finding out the gory details of what my surgery involves. I have vague pictures of my chest being ripped open, my heart being stopped and my body being run by an artificial heart machine sitting on a nearby bench, the surgeon liposucting some fat out, putting my heart back together and then turning me back on. I'm sure that he will fill in the details a bit better than this. I'm also keen to find out how long the operation will take, how long i'll be in hospital, how long will it take to recover, has he done many of these operations and how straightforward are they? I'm wondering if he'll just give me a photocopy sheet of paper, because i'm sure he gets asked all of these questions every time!

At the same time, there are some things I don't want to hear from the surgeon. I don't want to know about any complications or things that can go wrong during or after the surgery. While this might sound odd, I know myself too well, and I know that i'll dwell and stress on all the things that might (but won't) go wrong. I need to stay positive!!

Morning tea talk

One of my favourite times of the day at work is morning tea time. All of the guys who are free gather in our rather cozy (read very cramped) tearoom for a cup of tea or coffee and a good hard gossip. Discussions usually start off around work things, but rapidly migrate to the wild and wonderful. And today was no exception. Talk centred upon people putting half eaten food or empty bones on their partners' plate during a meal (gross!), or children throwing their half eaten food around. Don't ask me how we get onto these topics.

And then the cake stealer. We started talking about a story on a current affairs program from Sunday night, about parents who don't work, but stay at home full time to care for their children, and basically attend to the child's every want and desire 24/7. It's a new age style of parenting called attachment parenting. What does it entail, you ask? No school, no discipline, and definitely no "neglectomatics" such as cots, prams and dummies — these will all break the all important mother-baby bond. And for some, breastfeeding on demand, regardless of age, is considered the norm. In the TV show, a mother was interviewed breastfeeding her baby (well, five year old). The "baby" would cry out "booby, booby" when it wanted some breastmilk!! Can you imagine this kid grown up, asking a lady for "booby, booby"??!! But it's worse - breastfeeding is nipple selective:

LIZ COLE (mother): Have you had this one [nipple] already?

ELENA COLE ("baby"): Yes, but I want it again.

The rationale is that this method of parenting will produce independent, free thinking adults. If you ask me, it's going to spawn a colony of hippies addicted to booby! My evidence for this:

LIZ COLE (mother): When do you think you'll stop having booby?

ELENA COLE ("baby"): Never.

But it's not just baby that gets breastmilk on tap:

LIZ COLE (mother): Doesn't have to be babies. It could be adults as well. It's fantastic for conjunctivitis in babies, adults, older children and it really works. You know, it is 'it's not just an old wives' tale'.

GARY COLE (father): Liz just, well, knocks me down to the floor and positions herself over me and squeezes a bit of milk into my eye and it gives almost immediate relief.

It was about at this point that most of us left the tearoom! Don't believe that this story is true? Check out the transcript to the story.

My perfect chest

While i'm obviously quite worried about impending heart bypass surgery, of equal concern is that I am going to have a sizeable scar on my chest. I've decided that I really need to have some photos taken of my hunky upper body before the surgery, and given that the operation is being rushed through I don't have much time!

Luckily, I have been swamped with offers from people to take a semi-naked photoshoot of me. Thanks so much guys! Although, one person did say that they'd do the photoshoot with their hands over their eyes to stop themself from spewing - doesn't inspire confidence that the photos will be any good! However, I think that I have settled upon a portrait photographer to immortalise me in time, just need to prepare myself for the shoot.

Obviously I will be wanting to look my best, i'm even considering make-up and such! There's also talk of an appointment for me to get my eyebrows waxed. My major immediate concern however is that I'm not quite the Adonis that women believe me to be. In fact, my scrawny upper body and large, round tummy make me look like E.T. Given that I have a week or two until surgery and I'm not allowed to lift heavy things or exert myself, I think I am totally stuffed!! Or am I? Maybe these diuretics are a godsend after all - if I just go on a liquid diet, I'm sure to lose plenty of mass from my tummy in no time. I Hope!

World's biggest heart!

Ok I knew that I was a pretty loving, caring guy, with plenty of love for all you women out there! But now I understand that there is a real reason for this - met the cardiologist this morning and he told me that some parts of my heart are 3 times bigger than normal, other parts twice as big!!! WOW! That is like a big heart - I wonder if I can enter the Guinness Book of Records? I'm also considering a career change after the surgery to take advantage of my ginormous heart. Something along the lines of endurance athelete, Tour de France rider perhaps? With a heart the size of mine, surely i'll be able to kick their butts!

More seriously, the consequences of a heart this big are pretty scary. The faulty valve is causing a buildup of back pressure, which is putting a lot of strain on my heart and lungs. If left unfixed, it'll fail at some stage and it'll be bye bye Rog. My cardiologist is right on the ball however, and this is not going to happen! He has told the surgeon I am a priority case - so the surgery should be in the next week or two. And when the surgery is over, no long term medications. I'll be as fit as a fiddle!

So the next looming appointment is with the surgeon on Thursday. It's actually a Public holiday, so it says alot about him that he's meeting me. I hope that he's not handsome too though - i'm scared i'm losing my hold over Yvette, as well as my sanity!

lipoheartion

Thinking non-stop about surgery for some days now, and the light bulb has just gone on in my head! I have a fantastic idea for a new type of surgery combining the best of liposuction and heart surgery - lipoheartion. Where do I get these ideas you ask?? Well, aside from having way too much time on my hands recently, I figured that since they were going to be spending hours on my heart surgery, it wouldn't be much work to give me a tummy tuck as well! Hell, I'm not going to be able to go to the gym for a while after the surgery anyway, so I might as well save myself the trouble! I've even thought of an advertisement pitch for the lipoheartion, it goes something like this (think of home tv shopping commercials):

*cheesy voiceover* Tired of feeling sad and blue? High blood pressure, cholesterol and clogged arteries making your life miserable? Caught in a cycle of eating to feel better, and then eating just because. Are you overweight, and have a heart problem? Well, we have the answer for you, all new from your nearest surgeon or hospital - LIPOHEARTION. Guaranteed to instantly remove years of built up fat, with the added power of total heart cleanup/repair/replacement. And if you buy now, we'll include removal of varicose veins for free...... But wait, there's more. As an extra special offer for our special customers, if you are one of the first 50 orders right now, we'll also throw in a free breast enlargement (DD only).

hahaha - I think I have officially gone insane!

It's time......

The cliche is that there are moments in one's life where time passes so slowly it almost stops. One of those defining moments, where decisions are made that determine the direction your life will take. I'm at this crossroads now. In a little while I'll be sitting with the cardiologist discussing my situation and what our options (well actually option, there's only one that I can see) are. Been thinking about this appointment all week, and i'm nervous and positive at the same time. It will be good to hear how the surgery went last week, and whether he found any other problems. But as much as I try to put them out of my head, there are bad thoughts floating around as well. What if he found another problem, and that's why they are rushing me through surgery? I guess i'll know soon.

Man's best friend

I’ve had some emails, comments and general feedback about my blog – and a lot of it surrounds the perception that I have some serious penis issues to resolve. To put the record straight, I can say with absolute conviction that all men are obsessed with their penis (but never anyone else’s!!). Ok, I have to admit that I have been checking my groin out a lot over the last few days after the surgery, and checking for life every couple of minutes borders on lunacy. But I really need to know that it’s going to function normally again!

So why are men so in touch with themselves? Well imagine that you are a young baby boy, experiencing sensations such as smell and touch for the first time. Exploring yourself, you find your fingers and your toes. And somewhere in between, your little fella. Obviously you are going to be intrigued by this wonderful organ and want to learn more. And this is something that we men carry with us for the rest of our life. Enough said.

Incidently, I learnt a new Cantonese phrase today. “Da fei gei”. Translated literally, it means hit the aeroplane. Very Confucian indeed!

Enjoying being back to work........

It's such a nice feeling being out of the house! Some sun on my pallid face, and fresh air in my lungs seems like the medicine I have been needing.

I'm back at work today, and it's a flurry as usual. I try to stay seated, and not get up and down too much - the blood pressure tablets make me exceedingly dizzy, but it's hard to do with so much going on. I'm catching the elevator between floors, and in the time it takes to travel between a single floor I'm sure a grandfather with a cane could walk up the entire 3 floors! And now there is a robotic female voice informing me of the floor number, it's voice drawls almost as slowly as the elevator itself!

It's "nice" to know that I haven't been missed for the last week - the only note on my door is one wishing me happy 30th birthday from last month (which at some point someone has changed to 80th!). There are no flowers in my office, no get well soon cards. No chocolates for me to eat as I wallow in self pity.

Most men would dream of a workplace where women outnumber men by at least five to one. Admittedly, most men dream of a workplace where they are outnumbered by young, gorgeous and sexy women, so my workplace only fulfills one criteria! But for all you men reading, I'm here to tell you that unfortunately the dream is so much better than the reality!

So i'm back to work now, and it's a nice feeling. Lots of good things going on, keeps my mind off my heart and my impending date with the surgeon.

Green eggs and ham

It's breakfast time. Oh what shall I eat this fine morning? I look in the fridge, and find a dozen eggs. Yum. I'm gonna have eggs for breakfast. I feel particularly ravenous, I think i'll have three or four. Instantly, as if I am pre-programmed like a robot, alarm bells start ringing in my head. I can't have more than 2 eggs a day! It was one of those warnings that my mum gave us when we were little kids (and even now!). I've always wondered where the fact is behind these myths our mothers spin us boys when we are little. It's like the don't flick rubberbands around, you'll take someone's eye out myth. And all moms seem to have the same myths to tell their sons - I wonder if there is a Universal book of myths that mothers receive when they give birth to a boy??
Back to eggs. I ignore mum's warning and take four eggs out of the fridge. I wonder what will happen if I have four eggs in a day? Visions of me sprouting chicken wings, and my legs turning into drumsticks, fill my mind. But how to eat them? A crazy poem comes together in my mind:

One egg is fine,
Poached, boiled or fried.
Two eggs is better,
Mum's rule i'll abide.
With three eggs I think,
that scrambled they'll be.
But four eggs I have,
so it'll be benedict for me.

Ok, it's pretty clear I am going crazy at home on my own! I can't wait to go back to the real world tomorrow.